Well I am officially hard core back at work now. I have worked everyday but Sunday for the past week and I have Thursday off then nothing all next week (the studio manager is leaving on vacation now that I am back so I am running the show which means even when I am off I am on call). I thoroughly enjoy my job and it feels great to be back at work. The weird crazy part that i wasn't really thinking about ahead of time was the Crappy Mom Syndrome that comes with being back at work and having a full time job. I have crazy nights, due to my pregnancy, where I sleep very little and what sleep I do get is sparatic and light. I get up early in the morning because this crazy baby has an internal alarm clock that doesnt allow me sleep past 8 no matter how hard I try and I get ready for work. I work 9-11 hours away from my kids and then drive home tired. I walk into my house and lo and behold- it's just as trashed and insane as it was when I left and all I can do is trip over randomly placed items while I yell and scream at my children about the mess I see instead of greeting them with hugs and "I love you's" like a good mom would. We have lived here a month and frankly nothing much has been done. I am ashamed to have anyone in my house and I would rather pack up my entire family and drive out in the heat to meet up with a friend or family then have them step foot in my home. The other day I came home from grocery shopping to find that my psycho dog had torn apart 2 trash bags full of garbage that we had just set by the door so we would remember to throw them in Jared's truck to run to the dump. I, being pregnant and not of sound stomach, could not even be in the kitchen it was so bad. I had to gag my way through picking up half exposed diapers and dinner scraps. Judge me if you will because it wont make my house any cleaner nor my life any easier so it's not going to affect me, butI threw that dog out of the house and just started screaming. I yelled at the kids about how they leave messes around the house and how they don't clean up after their breakfast, I yelled to myself about how Jared should have taken the bags with him that morning instead of leaving them sitting around the house, and I yelled because I was so ashamed of my home that "I" didn't even want to be there. I have obviously seen what it is like to fail at being a house wife- or any kind of wife for that matter. My kids are always walking around on eggshells because they are sure I am about to yell at them for something. Don't get me wrong, my girls do neglect their responsibilites and show little appreciation for rules- but they are 9, 6, and 4, and don't deserve a crappy mom who cant take care of their home or properly provide for her family without having an anxiety attack or psycho break down.
I am not here blogging about my failure at the moment to get pity or pep talks- please dont think that- I just dont know how else to get this through. I can't talk to my husband about any of this because he already has to deal my outbursts and moody tantrums as it is. He should get a medal for putting up with this crap I have been dishing out lately.
Needless to say I am overwhelmed.... with crappy mom syndrome. I am kinda stuck dealing with it, but I just can't seem to find a way around the freak outs and the stress... God grant me serenity, peace, and let me be anxious for nothing.
Our Walk Together
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
New Words & Crazy Antics
My son develops more and more everyday. Well duh, but I seem to realize it more each day now that I am home all day!
He LOVES to dance! He shrugs his shoulders up and down- throws his hands in the air- shakes his whole body- and claps while he spins in a circle! It amazes me how he can walk around for two seconds and then fall on his face because he has crazy balance issues (probably because of that big giant tummy he has sticking out in the front) but he can spin in circles and dance and not fall down!
He is 18 months old now, and it hasn't gone by as terrifyingly fast as I thought it was going to but it still seems too early. He is a smart boy. He knows his basic sign language- eat, all done, drink, milk, more, play, apple, banana, please, thank you, sorry, and for "I love you" he puckers up to give kisses! I was worried for awhile that teaching him to sign was going to affect his learning to talk and in some ways I think it has, but he is learning more everyday so I am hopeful. He can say, "eat, drink, please, thank you, hi, bye, love you, night night, mama, dada, yeah, all done, up, xander, doggie, milk, and bear." He also says "down" in the funniest way ever! He GROWLS it! its the cutest thing when he gets all rough voiced and says Dooowwwnnn! I think it's because we taught him up and down at the same time and when we would say down we were throwing our arms down real fast and it came out more growly. I love listening to him learn new words too. He tries to copy his sisters when they say things to him and when Jared and I say things to him too.
Cadince, my tiny little Cadie Bug, has developed a new infatuation with proving how tiny and cute she is. She has been randomly putting on Chase's clothes, or old baby clothes that I have been sorting through lately trying to decide what to put aside for the new baby, her old clothes size 2Tish that we are setting aside for charity- basically anything that she shouldnt be able to fit into.... and the crazy unrealisitic hilariously unbelievable part is, she fits into all this stuff somehow!! Yesterday it was Chase's old Halloween costume from last year- a 6-9 month Chewbaca costume! She put it on, Ciara buttoned the bottom buttons and the buttons in the back, and the only aspect that showed that could convince you it wasnt made in her size was that it started at her knees instead of her ankles and went to her elbows instead of her wrists! lol! It was just so funny!
So far everything is going ok with the pregnancy. I am 13 weeks now and so I am hoping that as I finish out this first trimester I can stop feeling like crud. I started back at work this past week. Golly I missed it! Of course right now it's just a few days here and there but in a month it is going to start picking up. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that one- I am not sick or dealing with crazy preggo stuff that would cause an interference and two- that the constant busy days and long hours will helpme stay in great shape during the pregnancy and I wont have to worry about getting anywhere near 200 lbs! lol! I shouldnt, regardless, but with this being baby number 4 and me not having been as active as I SHOULD have these past few months before the pregnancy, I am worried I am going to gain like 40lbs or something! Good news is, this is the end of the first trimester and I havent gained anything yet! I have been nauseous alot but not actually getting sick very often, I get fatigued and blah feeling but it comes and goes, and if I do too much it makes me feel like I am having heat stroke but I can focus enough to swallow the yuckiness and continue on.
I did want to say one thing I feel very positive about too! My son sleeps in his own bed. Last night I felt like a bad Mom twice. The first time was when Chase was fussing in his room not wanting to sleep and I let him crawl into my bed with me and Jared and tried to persuade him to fall asleep with us. It hit me what a bad idea that was. Jared and I had always been cautious with the girls. They slept with us for the first few months bc I was nursing and I liked the closeness, but once they were about 7 months old they were in a crib- usually in another room. The girls take turns some nights sleeping inthe bed with me now that they are older when Jared stays up really late playing games or when he is out of town, but they know they have their own beds and that that is their primary sleep spot. I had always kinda vowed that I wouldnt let my kids get use to sleeping in my bed because, as they say, old habits are hard to break. Plus, frankly, it can get in the way of any kind of love life with my husband! I'm not impyling that decision anyone else has made regarding co-sleeping with their kids is wrong, just so I am covering that base, just that it is not what I want for my kids.... anyway, the second time I felt like a bad Mom last night was when I took my son-still awake- out of my bed and put him back in his room, laid with him in his bed for a few moments, then left him screaming again as I walked back to my room. He had a horrible day yesterday- no real nap and it was a busy day- and he needed his mommy, but I didnt want him getting use to sleeping with me so I let him scream and cry for 25 minutes before he finally fell asleep. I know, in my own twisted way, I did the right thing by letting him self soothe, as he has had to do before in the past... but any Mom knows it is not easy to listen to their baby sad and in emotional pain.
I know I said that was a positive thing and really it is. I do know quite a few friends who are struggling with their little one sleeping on their own and I do not envy them. I feel blessed that my kids have been easy adjusters to my crazy rules and such. I feel blessed that my parents taught me to prepare for when my kids get older- habits that they could develop because of how they are raised as younger children- as infants, I know to get them ready for and to take actions to avoid now.
Oh my goodness what a long blog. Guess thats what happens when you wait to update.
BTW, we love being back in Clarksville, near our families and friends, and our new place- just gotta get around to unpacking finally! lol
He LOVES to dance! He shrugs his shoulders up and down- throws his hands in the air- shakes his whole body- and claps while he spins in a circle! It amazes me how he can walk around for two seconds and then fall on his face because he has crazy balance issues (probably because of that big giant tummy he has sticking out in the front) but he can spin in circles and dance and not fall down!
He is 18 months old now, and it hasn't gone by as terrifyingly fast as I thought it was going to but it still seems too early. He is a smart boy. He knows his basic sign language- eat, all done, drink, milk, more, play, apple, banana, please, thank you, sorry, and for "I love you" he puckers up to give kisses! I was worried for awhile that teaching him to sign was going to affect his learning to talk and in some ways I think it has, but he is learning more everyday so I am hopeful. He can say, "eat, drink, please, thank you, hi, bye, love you, night night, mama, dada, yeah, all done, up, xander, doggie, milk, and bear." He also says "down" in the funniest way ever! He GROWLS it! its the cutest thing when he gets all rough voiced and says Dooowwwnnn! I think it's because we taught him up and down at the same time and when we would say down we were throwing our arms down real fast and it came out more growly. I love listening to him learn new words too. He tries to copy his sisters when they say things to him and when Jared and I say things to him too.
Cadince, my tiny little Cadie Bug, has developed a new infatuation with proving how tiny and cute she is. She has been randomly putting on Chase's clothes, or old baby clothes that I have been sorting through lately trying to decide what to put aside for the new baby, her old clothes size 2Tish that we are setting aside for charity- basically anything that she shouldnt be able to fit into.... and the crazy unrealisitic hilariously unbelievable part is, she fits into all this stuff somehow!! Yesterday it was Chase's old Halloween costume from last year- a 6-9 month Chewbaca costume! She put it on, Ciara buttoned the bottom buttons and the buttons in the back, and the only aspect that showed that could convince you it wasnt made in her size was that it started at her knees instead of her ankles and went to her elbows instead of her wrists! lol! It was just so funny!
So far everything is going ok with the pregnancy. I am 13 weeks now and so I am hoping that as I finish out this first trimester I can stop feeling like crud. I started back at work this past week. Golly I missed it! Of course right now it's just a few days here and there but in a month it is going to start picking up. I am crossing my fingers and hoping that one- I am not sick or dealing with crazy preggo stuff that would cause an interference and two- that the constant busy days and long hours will helpme stay in great shape during the pregnancy and I wont have to worry about getting anywhere near 200 lbs! lol! I shouldnt, regardless, but with this being baby number 4 and me not having been as active as I SHOULD have these past few months before the pregnancy, I am worried I am going to gain like 40lbs or something! Good news is, this is the end of the first trimester and I havent gained anything yet! I have been nauseous alot but not actually getting sick very often, I get fatigued and blah feeling but it comes and goes, and if I do too much it makes me feel like I am having heat stroke but I can focus enough to swallow the yuckiness and continue on.
I did want to say one thing I feel very positive about too! My son sleeps in his own bed. Last night I felt like a bad Mom twice. The first time was when Chase was fussing in his room not wanting to sleep and I let him crawl into my bed with me and Jared and tried to persuade him to fall asleep with us. It hit me what a bad idea that was. Jared and I had always been cautious with the girls. They slept with us for the first few months bc I was nursing and I liked the closeness, but once they were about 7 months old they were in a crib- usually in another room. The girls take turns some nights sleeping inthe bed with me now that they are older when Jared stays up really late playing games or when he is out of town, but they know they have their own beds and that that is their primary sleep spot. I had always kinda vowed that I wouldnt let my kids get use to sleeping in my bed because, as they say, old habits are hard to break. Plus, frankly, it can get in the way of any kind of love life with my husband! I'm not impyling that decision anyone else has made regarding co-sleeping with their kids is wrong, just so I am covering that base, just that it is not what I want for my kids.... anyway, the second time I felt like a bad Mom last night was when I took my son-still awake- out of my bed and put him back in his room, laid with him in his bed for a few moments, then left him screaming again as I walked back to my room. He had a horrible day yesterday- no real nap and it was a busy day- and he needed his mommy, but I didnt want him getting use to sleeping with me so I let him scream and cry for 25 minutes before he finally fell asleep. I know, in my own twisted way, I did the right thing by letting him self soothe, as he has had to do before in the past... but any Mom knows it is not easy to listen to their baby sad and in emotional pain.
I know I said that was a positive thing and really it is. I do know quite a few friends who are struggling with their little one sleeping on their own and I do not envy them. I feel blessed that my kids have been easy adjusters to my crazy rules and such. I feel blessed that my parents taught me to prepare for when my kids get older- habits that they could develop because of how they are raised as younger children- as infants, I know to get them ready for and to take actions to avoid now.
Oh my goodness what a long blog. Guess thats what happens when you wait to update.
BTW, we love being back in Clarksville, near our families and friends, and our new place- just gotta get around to unpacking finally! lol
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