Waiting to Exhale

This Pregnancy has been the most eventful in my opinion. With Cadince, we had an emotional roller coaster waiting to see how early she would be, then when she was born and we could not bring her home it was even harder. Her first two months were touch and go with respiratory problem after problem and, even now at age 3, she still gets pneumonia at least once a year and always worse than the rest of us. I thought that was hard (and it really was) but I didn't think there was going to be a worse... gee whiz! Don't you just love when the Lord says "Surprise!"!!! lol

With Chase we have experienced our share of anxiety over when he would be born, whether he would have mental and physical handicaps, and what our futures would look like with any of these problems. We discussed changes in our lifestyles and how our family would adjust to the big changes we foresaw. Thankfully, we are beyond blessed, and Chase is now completely in the clear for any handicaps besides possible clubbed foot, he is full term and still cooking =), and the changes we will have to make consist mostly of adapting to raising a little boy at best! Everyday I am not only amazed, but I am eternally grateful for the miracle the Lord has sent us and the struggles his wonderful love and our faith have brought us through. I have had doubts in my faith before in the past. I have struggled with my life with Christ and Jared and I have both experienced times where we felt completely abandoned by the Lord when times have been exceedingly tough. I ashamedly admit that those doubts and lack of faith moments have caused me to stray from my christian path more than once. The few months prior to finding out about this pregnancy I went through a life change. Jared and I were on the verge of a divorce (we were seriously discussing child arrangements, living arrangements, him moving out of state, and dividing up our possessions) that was not going to be pretty and our lifestyles were not modeling the christian attitude and path they should. I prayed for the first time in quite a long time that the Lord help me through it all and guide me so that my girls would not suffer for their parent's issues. I was so overcome with emotion during this time and it was almost as if I saw my life from the ghost perspective. During the longest prayer I think I have ever committed to, I saw my life as it should be and completely reevaluated the direction I was going. I was overwhelmed with love for my family, and for my husband (truthfully a feeling I had not experienced for many many months) and made a decision that changed everything. I talked to Jared after that, explained to him my faults and the faults of our marriage and explained to him the path the Lord had empowered me with on how to save our family. Everything changed then. I now, more proudly and passionately then I have ever imagined, can say I have an AMAZING marriage and friendship with my husband. We started rebuilding right away and then, out of nowhere, learned we were pregnant just a few months later which just made everything so much more vital. This past year has been the biggest emotional roller coaster we have ever experienced but it has definitely been the most rewarding in our lives somehow as well!

Now, with all that seemingly pointless insight into my personal life=) I will get to the point of this blog.
I am soooooo sick of being pregnant! lol! I am only 37 weeks, and I have only 2 weeks left before my doctor said she will induce me (the 19th)...these conditions normally would not be such a big deal, but the combination of a hip fracture (ouch!), 14 hours of preterm labor at 33 weeks that ended with no baby (ouch! again), and the constant influx of bronchial infections...well it makes things a little unbearable. Physically, this has been VERY difficult and I am ready to be over and done with the pain! I really don't care if that makes me a bad parent in some people's eyes, because it truely is not me being selfish, it's me being human! (sorry, felt compelled to say that)
Emotionally, the strain has been pretty crazy as well. Each time I go to see my doctor (2 times a week) she tells me that I am 3cm and about to pop anyday. She assures me that I will not make it another week and that we will have a baby soon. Though, up to this point, Chase has been considered a preemie and him coming early would mean a hospital stay, I have to admit I would get excited. I mean, what woman goes through her pregnancy with the mindset that she DOESN'T want to see and hold her child?! Who DOESN'T get excited about loving that little one and bringing them home into the family?! So, we would get all excited and ready...and Every week, we would end with me...still pregnant! As soon as my contractions would start picking up, we would pack up and drive the 45 minutes to the hospital, often at midnight or later, with the hopes that THIS time we would end up with a baby. Each time, we sat in the hospital for a few hours just to be told I was STILL 3cm and there would be no baby again that night. It's exhausting! My mind and body even would prepare for the arrival of my son and I could practically smell and feel my little boy. I could imagine myself holding him and snuggling him. Each time they said no it was as if he was being ripped from my hands and I was being told I could not have him... it sucks!

Well, obviously Chase is still not here and we have no idea when he will arrive. I am full term now so when he does come he will be able to come home with me after he is born!!! At 39 weeks, January 19th, my doctor will iduce if he has yet to be born but I am hoping for an earlier delivery. School starts up nexy Thursday, the 14th, and I would prefer to be in and out before then! lol! I pray for understanding, less emotional stress, and a quick safe delivery very very soon! I only need to dilate one more centimeter and they will augment me when I go in! PRAY! It works!

That's my ramble for the week... signing off now, still pregnant, after taking up practically my whole blog page! lol!
Oh, and Laura, I have taken pictures this week and I will post them as soon as we get the printer fixed so I can download them off of my memory card!! Hopefully tomorrow or Thursday! =)