Let It Out

Okay so lately I have been building on an issue, well alot of issues related to the same general issue, and I ave found a great deal of anger is inside of me. I am typically not the kind to get angry and stay that way. I fume to my husband about whatever bothers me, and then I am over it and (especially when it involves another person) I tend to ignore the fact that it ever happened. When a "friend" or someone offends me or upsets me, I vent and then I forget... no real anger issues here. However, there is one issue, one group of problems that keep occuring and keep frustrating me and I recently discovered that I am really upset about them. No matter how much I talk to Jared about it, pray, read through some scripture, or try to ignore it, the anger just keeps building up inside and I feel almost a violent rage towards this issue. The thing is, it's mostly centered around someone else, not me. Yes there are problems within this issue that concern me and those are upsetting, but mostly the anger I have is centered around the areas where this issue affects/concerns my husband.
I think I have learned that I am quite defensive when it comes to my other half. Jared and I may have our squabbles and bad days here and there, but ultimately he is the most important person in my life save my kids and I don't take too kindly to people disrespecting and slandering him.
Because of the sensitivity of this issue and those involved I dont want to come right out and say who and what (actually I do but the christian in me is keeping it under wraps for now for the sake of maturity and that whole turn the other cheek clause) but I just need to know the best way to get rid of this anger. Since I am not shown respect by those concerned in this issue, approaching them is not a viable solution, but I am afraid if I continue down this path of rage that it is going to end badly.... I need prayers please and suggestions if you have any. Mostly i think having someone to help with guidance would be nice but I am afraid my search for guidance would be considered more gossiping then counseling from a friend so I remain mute for now.
Guess this is the outcome of what the mind thinks of at 12am. I wasnt planning on going into this that much at all...
Also, while I am already driving down this road, as a parent anyone reading this, If someone were to hit your child- not spank their butts in a disciplinary way but actually hit them- an adult that is realted to you or your spouse, what is the best way to handle that? My first instinct is to rip their head off but I am, and only the Lord knows why, trying to avoid hurting anyone's feelings and causing even more family drama... but I do not feel right stepping aside and acting as if nothing happened for the sake of keeping everyone from being upset with me. Not like they aren't already? Is it ok to sacrifice that type of outburts, keep things under wraps and ignore it in order to please everyone else, when someone has harmed your child whether it was with harmful intent or not? I just need to know that I am not violent and crazy.

Well, on a lighter note Jared has lined up a few more interviews and we are praying for a notice soon on one of these jobs!! Living with my Mom and Dad is proving to be slightly stressful but overall not a bad experience so far! I think the fact that we have alot of love between us and all have a great relationship with the Lord really helps! That and my folks just LOVE spending time with their grandbabies! lol

Regrets

Let me first say I am not one to regret. I believe that life happens as we and the Lord above allow it to and that we should take everyday and every moment as meaningful no matter how crappy it turns out to be. However, these past few months with Chase have shown me that I do have regrets...
I regret that I didn't soak every moment up with Cadince when she was a baby. Things were so hectic with her premature birth, and Ciara was barely a year and a half old at the time, and I just didn't do much. We moved 2 months after she was born and then I started school. Looking back, there are less pictures of Cadie and I remember fewer things about her first year of life. It makes me cry now thinking about how I can barely picture her as a baby, her distinct features, her eating style or playfulness... it's mostly a blur. I don't know why. I know alot of people say that the majority of people dont document as much with their second child as they did with their first, and technically Cadince was my "second" child... but Chase is my "third" and I write down everything and take pictures all the time. I spend hours playing and snuggling with him everyday no matter how crazy life gets. I just womder if it's going to be evident one day in Cadie's life. If she will ever feel different. I spend tons of time with her now, cuddling and playing and such, and we are best buddies... but I can't help regret being a cruddy Mom when she was a baby. Don't get me wrong I loved her ddearly and I far from ignored her as an infant, but I didn't spend the same time invested in every thing she did as I did for Ciara and do for Chase...
One of those things I wish I could do over I guess....

Oh My Goodnesssssss!

So this is just going to be short for now. The past few weeks have been so CRAAAAAAZY! We started moving two weeks ago, packing and cleaning and such... abnd we are still trying to finish up moving! We have temporarily moved in with my Mom and Dad, bless them, while we organize things and try and save up money so when Jared gets new orders we can build a house. We are hoping to only be here with them for July and maybe August. Jared has had a few interviews for new full time active jobs, so we are just waiting on hearing from at least one of them with an offer! We REALLY want to move to the Smyrna area, where he already drills anyway. There are 2 jobs he has interviewed for there and one in Tullahoma.
Because of how busy we have been we havent had the opportunity to spend hardly ANY time with Andrea and the cousins while they were here to visit. The few days we have been available they have had other plans with the other half of the family and when they are free we seem to be up to our ears in packing and such and really dont have the time to take a break. We are hoping to make a trip to see them in a few months and hopefully that will mean we get some time with them just the kids hanging out. I am SO glad the kids love their cousins so much, just wish we had more opportunities to get them together.
I will put up some pictures and such and post some more info in a few days hopefully, just dont have much time these days!
On a side note, Cecilia left for church camp today!!! This will be her first time away from me for more than two-three nights and that was only bc I was in the hospital having a baby!!! I already miss her but I know she is going to have so much fun! Dropping her off today brought back a million memories of my camp days as a kid!
Please pray for her and for Jared's job opportunities! More later!

My Big Boy

Chase is growing so fast! It is hard to believe he is 5 months old already! Where has the time gone? That is almost 1/2 a year! He is sitting up with help now... (He is still a little top heavy lol)

I love watching him play with his toys! He grabs and chews (or I guess I should say gums) everything he can get his hands on and he gets so excited when he latches on to something new! This giraffe is his new best friend Goober the Giraffe. He is half toy, half teether with a bit of a rattle! Since Chase is starting to cut his first tooth (up top) he has grown quite attached to his "cool" friend! I guess G-O-O-B-E-R spells RELIEF for Chase!

Chase has got a new toy! He is definitely NOT a fan of tummy time for more than 5-10 minutes so I am pretty sure he will end up walking before he crawls. He loves to try to stand up and kick out his legs way more than laying down! Jared and I have been looking for both a door jumper and a Bumbo for Chase so he can practice sitting around and stretch his legs out alot too! We went to the local consignment store and there was this jumper! It was only $10!! What a steal! We brought it home and Chase has barely been out of the thing he loves it so much! Perfect buy!
Of course, after a hour or two of fun time play... well he needed a little nap! How cute!! He was so out of it I had to snap a picture before I could get him out! I am very happy he is enjoying his new toy!

During this point in my life I am very unhappy with my physical condition. I have a hard time dealing with my More-To-Love-Figure as everyone calls it, LOL. However, it is hard to not be happy to pose with this handsome little guy! I love him so much! Even though I get a bit stressed out here and there taking care of all 4 of my crazy bunches of excitement and preparing for our move in a few weeks... Chase relaxes me and I can never be angry or down when he is in my arms!

I am so blessed to have my kids! When I go to the store or park and women and men both look at me like I am insane or trashy almost because of all my kiddos! I know that each time I have gotten pregnant it has been a bit of a surprise to each and every one I have told and people began to wonder how I can survive with all of them! I just have to say --- I can survive because with all those kids comes all that love!! No matter how I feel about myself any day of any week my kids coming up to me, hugging me, and telling me how I am their best friend and favorite person in the world... well it makes it all ok!

Physicals and Shots... OH NO!!!

Poor Ciara and Cadince had to get their shots updated this week. Plus, Ciara--my big girl--starts Kindergarten in 2 months! Oh my goodness!! Anyway, they were very brave at first... then they started to freak out once they had to change into these paper gowns and wait for the doctor! Cadie was first to get her shots and she got 4!!! She screamed and cried and turned red and it was all I could do not to pick her up and hold her after the first one! Then it was Ciara's turn and she bravely scooted to the end of the table ready for her shots. They told her she would be getting 2.... no biggie compared to what Cadie had just gone through... Until the doctor pinned her down and gave her SIX!!! She screamed so loud I am sure the whole doctors office heard her! She was in pain and she was in traumatic shock from being lied to and poked way more than she was promised! I wanted to rip the nurse's head off! How could she lie to my baby like that? I had to hold Ciara for over 15 minutes before she would even let go of me to get dressed and she was still traumatized the rest of the day! Thank the Lord that she doesnt need anymore shots till she is 11!

We Love the Summer!!!

Sometimes this blogger can be so crazy! No matter how I place these photos they come out crazy crooked! lol

Anyway... We have been looking forward to summer and now that it is here we are enjoying the wet-side of the season! We got little pools for the kids-- one for the girls and an inflatable shaded one for Chase and me. We set them up at Grammy and Pappy's house and had a blast!!! Even Chase enjoyed splashing in the water and playing with the beach ball. We have been going to the sprinkle park on post alot lately-- yet I never take pictures! Oops! Probably because I am wet from running around in the water with the kids! lol

Cherry Picking at Gramma's house

Today we went Cherry Picking at Gramma and Grandpa Golson's

house! We got roughly 13lbs of cherries to bring home and tonight

the kids and I are going to make some yummy cherry cobbler!! Yay!Jared started off in the tree but eventually Cecilia and I got a turn! It was alot of fun moving all those branches around trying to get all those cherries! Of course, the girls were eating about 15% of the cherries as we picked them... here's hoping we don't have upset bellies tonight!

Cadince was a bit bummed that she couldnt reach up into the big tree to get cherries and wasnt allowed to climb like Cici, so Uncle Josh stuffed her in his backpack and climbed up the ladder so she could at least look around high up in the trees! lol. Ciara got a turn too but I was a bit busy trying to get the cherries so I didnt get a picture of her in his pack.

Because I want to look back at this one day...

First, just let me say I stole this from Laura... then I emailed the questions to my Mom and had them answered by her.... She suggested I answer them as well and save them to look back on later.... So' here we go. Honesty at it's best, kinda lol
Now, before I answer them i do want to point out that some of them are intended to be used referring to the past, as asked by an adult child to their mother.... but I am going to improvise a bit and predict some and 20 years from now, we'll see how I did! lol

1. What's the on thing you would have done differently as a Mom?
In some ways I wish I would have spaced you kids out a little more so that each of you could enjoy being the baby for awhile. On the other hand, doing so would mean I wouldn't have the precious kiddos I have so I don't think I could do it. I WILL try to interact with each of you more everyday personally and singularly.
2. Why did you choose to be with my father?
Simple really, God chose him for me and me for him. There is no other way to look at that one. I met him when he was already a father, an amazing one at that who completely loved and devoted himself to Cecilia, and that was a large factor in my choosing... but mostly, it was a match put together by the Lord... he knew what he was doing, and I am very thankful for that everyday
3. In what ways do you think (your children) are like you? Not like you?
Right now?? Well, you girls have such big personalities and they are so different. I have always thought I have a big personality with alot of different aspects, and I think each of you got a few of them. Chase, you are still a bit young right now for me to tell.... but I think you'll be the same as your rowdy sisters!
4. Which one of us kids did you like better?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's see.... when it comes to cuddling, I love you all the same! When it comes to helping me do things, Ciara is an excellent helper! Cadince is my groupie, into everything and anything I enjoy. Cecilia is my creative mind and I love doing one on one time with her! Chase is my little buddy, and I plan on it staying that way. Overall, I love/like you all the same!
5. Is there anything you have always wanted to tell us better never have?
I hope there never is... I hope everyday I tell you how much I love you and how proud I am to be your Mama as much as possible. I hope that I tell you how perfect you are and how I will ALWAYS be there for you.
6. Do you think it is easier/harder now to raise a family then when you raised our family?
I think, as my Mom put it, that times may change, but parenting is the same... it just depends on the people involved. They affect the outcome. As for your Dad and I, times are hard alot more than we would like them to be and we can't always provide you with the things we wish we could... but the amount of love we have never changes no matter what the economy and we love you all everyday with all we have inside!
7. Is there anything you regret not having asked your parents?
If I turned out the way they planned and if not, what had they invisioned for my life as an adult? Every parent, I think, has a outline in their mind of where they think their kids will end up. Personally, I think Cecilia will go into the field of research in some way whether it be animal, medical, or whatever. Ciara, I think, we venture towards performing arts or maybe a news caster or journalist. Cadince, a tough one because you are still young, may enjoy something quaint and personal, like owning a small book store or a nursery. Chase, well there is no telling with you son... I will have to come back to evaluate that one :)
8. What's the best thing (your children) can do for you right now?
Be true to themselves and grow according to that which the Lord has instructed... and sometimes, give Mommy deep tissue massages and allow me long hot soaky bubble baths! lol
9. Is there anything you wish had been different between us--or that you would still like to change?
I just have to hope and pray that I grind into your hard heads that I am here for you and your friend, your best friend when you need one. I hope 20 years from now we are all a close family who can spend holidays together and who call and visit each other just because. I hope we are a family with no bad blood, no judgements, and no hostilities among us.
10. When did you realize you were no longer a child?
I don't know that I am not still a child in many ways. Childhood isn't about an age bracket I don't think, it's about a mentality and I don't just mean when we call people "children" because they don't think things through or what not. I mean an understanding of the simplicity of life. I am grown, and I understand and have many responsibilities, but I hope I never lose the "Child like Empress" inside of me that allows me to remain sane when the grow up world is just too grown up!

Well, there's that... I hope one day I can look back at this with my kids and feel confident that I made the right decisions for them and that I was the best Mother I could be.... I know my Mom was and is!

The Bib

I can't remember ever using a bib on the girls. They hardly ever had any drool, even when they were teething. I only had bibs before because they had cute sayings on them and so I felt the need to spend money on them though I saw them as pointless.... but things change!


My son needs a bib EVERYDAY! He drools so much! He has been chewing on his fists for about a month now and the drool just spews out from his mouth! If I wasn't so enthralled with the sheer fact that one ity bity baby can produce that much saliva, I may even be slightly grossed out at times... Good thing he look so darn cute in a bib! lol

oops, not again!

Well, here I go again, neglecting my blogging duties! gah!
Here is a quick update, pictures to come later...

Jared got promoted to E-4!! Yay! What a blessing that was! And I got to go to Smyrna for the promotion and physically promote him myself (so much fun...like proof I outranked him! lol)! We discovered that Smyrna is a BEAUTIFUL area and, since most the full time guard jobs are there, we are settling things here and planning on moving there by the end of summer!
School is over for me. YAY again! I aced my course and now I can sit back and relax for a few months, until its back to the grindstone again!
Cecilia is almost finished with school and she will be 8 on Saturday. Where did that come from??!! She is growing so fast and she is so smart... It's like I already live with a teenager!
Ciara is super excited about starting kindergarten this year and I just finished all the paperwork for her registration. Even though we plan on moving we arent 100% sure yet so I went ahead and registered her for the school Cecilia attends now, that way I am covered.
Cadince did not get into Pre-K and I am kinda bummed about that. Honestly I think all kids should be allowed to attend Pre-K but she didnt make the cut off. The slots went to kids with needs and speech problems. I guess its a blessing for us because we are very lucky that none of the kids seem to have any learning disabilities. Of course, it would have been nice to only have Chase everyday next school year! How much easier life would be! Oh well, more time with my Cadie bug... not like I am ready for her to be grown up to!
Chase.... well, did anyone know I had a BOY? What happened there? I know how to do the girl thing, and all my girls were such great babies! Not that Chase isnt the picture of perfection as well, but he is much fussier than the girls were and the strangest eater! I dont sleep at night lately because he just screams and cries unless I walk around holding him! He is picky! The girls slept through the night almost right away after they came home, Chase still wakes up once or twice a night! The girls hardly ever cried... about anything! Chase cries all day! I feel like I am dong something terribly wrong with him, like I dont feed him enough or too much or I dont give him enough attention... but truthfully I barely ever put him down anymore because he is always fussing! Thats why I havent been on lately. When I do get a free moment, I usually dont wanna have to sit at the computer for hours messing with things!
Speaking of the baby, there he goes again! lol! Gotta love motherhood! Better tend to Mr. Fussy-buckets!
Until my next brief pause....